we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
