I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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