3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
