you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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