This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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