you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i think i have herpe
just one?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
