Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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