When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
