You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
