He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
