i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize