It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
