its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
