Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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