He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
