im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
