Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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