Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
