You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
