you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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