I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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