I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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