i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
