You made me cry and you don't even care
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
