I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
