Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
