last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
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