Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize