ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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