the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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