Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
