I love black thongs
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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