I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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