he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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