It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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