i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize