I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
