it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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