you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
