I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
