I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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