we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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