we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
