i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
