I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
