you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
