glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
