Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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