saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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