As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
