I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
