so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
