Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
