I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
