I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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