I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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